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Getting the Love You Want

A Guide for Couples

by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt

Why we're drawn to partners who echo childhood wounds, and how conscious dialogue can turn conflict into healing.

  • Published 1988
  • Moderate
  • Practical guidance
  • 1 min analysis
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Introduction

Harville Hendrix, a therapist, first published Getting the Love You Want in 1988. It introduced Imago Relationship Therapy, developed with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, who co-authored later editions.

The book suggests we unconsciously choose partners who resemble our early caregivers, giving us a chance to heal old wounds.

Who should read this book?

Couples who repeat the same conflicts and want a structured way to communicate.

Helps with: Heal and grow, Improve my relationships

The central message

Relationships can heal childhood wounds if partners move from unconscious reactions to conscious, empathetic dialogue.

Key ideas and concepts

  1. Imago

    An unconscious image of caregivers influences who we're attracted to.

  2. Romantic love to power struggle

    Relationships move from infatuation to conflict, which can lead to growth.

  3. The Imago Dialogue

    Mirroring, validation and empathy in structured conversations.

  4. Conscious partnership

    Understanding each other's wounds builds compassion.

  5. Behaviour change requests

    Turn frustrations into specific, positive requests.

Deeper analysis

Getting the Love You Want gave couples a widely used tool, the Imago Dialogue, which teaches active listening and empathy. Many couples find it transforms arguments.

The theory that we choose partners based on childhood caregivers is not strongly supported by research, and the exercises can feel formal. Still, the communication skills are valuable.

Practical applications

  • Practise mirroring what your partner says.
  • Validate their perspective even if you disagree.
  • Express empathy for their feelings.
  • Turn a complaint into a specific request.
  • Reflect on childhood patterns.

Your 7-day action plan

  1. Day 1

    Learn the Imago Dialogue.

  2. Day 2

    Practise mirroring.

  3. Day 3

    Practise validation.

  4. Day 4

    Practise empathy.

  5. Day 5

    Make a positive request.

  6. Day 6

    Reflect on old patterns.

  7. Day 7

    Discuss what you learned.

Outcomes to expect

What readers who apply this book can realistically take away from it:

  • Better listening
  • Fewer repeated arguments
  • More empathy
  • Insight into patterns

Strengths and limitations

Strengths

  • Useful dialogue tool
  • Encourages empathy
  • Widely used in therapy
  • Structured

Limitations

  • Partner-choice theory debated
  • Exercises feel formal
  • Long

Reflection questions

  1. What arguments repeat?
  2. How did your caregivers show love?
  3. Can you mirror without defending?
  4. What specific request could you make?

About the authors

Harville Hendrix

Therapist; co-creator of Imago Relationship Therapy.

Full profile and books

Helen LaKelly Hunt

Co-creator of Imago Relationship Therapy.

Full profile and books

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See it on Amazon

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

Book details (title, author, year) are factual. Everything under the headings above is MindsetProdigy's own editorial analysis and interpretation, written to help you decide whether to read the book and how to apply it. It is not a substitute for reading the book itself. Last updated October 1, 2026.